An unraveling, one string pulled loose and an entire weave falls apart. You can’t catch it; you can’t stop it; just watch as the world falls apart.
This, or that, is what it felt like. How else can I describe something so fundamental? The thing is, words don’t always cut it. I can’t tell you how it felt, not really. That’s where movies have such an unfair advantage. Honestly, the sounds, the angles, the acting?
Words try and wrangle memories and moments into a story others can feel and understand. All words echo something. People try and find the best arrangements to describe whatever it was. Words can make things more exciting than they are, transport people into times and worlds otherwise unknown. But, sometimes they just fail. Sometimes something is too big, too massive, too much for words to handle. I guess you say they’re like a bunch of strings that can’t weave together. You’ve got the elements but the moment, the experience, is lost.
So, you’re probably asking what “moment” are you talking about?
Well, let me tell you.
It started a few weeks ago—no, it started before that, way before that. Hell, it probably started before me. So where do I want to start it? Not the beginning; I just don’t have time. We’ll start at a beginning.
I was high and it was Christmas. Sound shifted in colors around me and everything seemed damn funny. I think (don’t quote me) Theodore—Theo—smoked with me. We’d been friends since, well, forever really. Thank God (literally) it never turned into anything romantic. We kept it to “just friends” without ever even wondering if it could become “more”.
I can’t remember everything we talked about, or much of it really, but Theo said something that day and it changed my life: “you know, Clare, you’ve got this dream, so, why not live it?” Yep. My unraveling started with advice given during a drug-induced stupor. Pretty romantic, huh? And I don’t mean “romantic” in the “love” kind of way but in a more “transcendentalism” one.
I laughed, rolling my neck. “Doesn’t everyone?”
“Sure, but you’ll never get it if you don’t try, right?”
This was the kind of bullshit lines a motivational speaker might shove down your throat at some high school assembly. All that “try hard and reach your dreams” nonsense they use to convince potential burnouts to blaze instead. But, when your high, perspective’s kind of change. When you can see sound (or think you can) reaching a dream, making something unreal real seems entirely possible.
Boy, was I ever wrong.
A week later Theo died and my unraveling began, but it took a long time for everything to pull apart. Like I said, one thread and the whole pattern goes to hell.